Hardware Analysis - British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread

Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread

angryhippy — 2005-02-14T22:34:48-05:00

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes..
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is,and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love Of GOD!! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window an started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach."

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger pointing up at the heavens above. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant,he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing . . why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks

Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread

angryhippy — 2005-02-14T22:33:53-05:00

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread

angryhippy — 2005-02-14T22:32:24-05:00

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the

alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you

a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then

the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and

I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each

of you will buy me a drink".

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, and dropped

his trousers, placing his privates in the alligator's mouth. The gator

closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard

on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his

genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man

stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing

to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up

in the back of the bar.

A blonde girl timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to

hit me on the head with the beer bottle so hard".

. . . And you thought it was an alligator joke

Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread

angryhippy — 2005-02-14T22:28:43-05:00

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Alabama. Upon entering a church, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in the South now, and it's a local call.

Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread

angryhippy — 2005-02-14T22:28:06-05:00

One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell. The owner answers, and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now... I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that sh#t."

Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread

angryhippy — 2005-02-14T22:24:15-05:00

A young woman in Cheboygan was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Straits. She went to the Mackinaw Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the rail, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all,what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

hree weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's scr#wing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Mackinaw Island Ferry."

Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread

angryhippy — 2005-02-14T22:21:21-05:00

Time to resurrect this thread.

DOG OR HEN?

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?......and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.....I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow........then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"

"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're shi##ing all over the bed!"

Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread

David — 2004-12-08T13:09:08-05:00

lol, cant belive i didnt get that one in the first place.

Dave.

Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread

Victor Hackney — 2004-12-08T12:51:59-05:00

Hi David,

Its the way you say the joke....HIS HOUSEMAID.......his maid.......not his house.
Have you got it now???

Regards To All
Vic UK

Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread

Michael A. — 2004-12-08T06:53:06-05:00

"Iron this.........then get me a beer."

LMAO!

Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread

warmonger — 2004-12-08T06:13:12-05:00

well, here's my contributuion

2 naked statues had been standing looking at each other in a parc for a century. an angel comes to visit them and says that they've stood there patiently all that time they will be rewarded with half an hour of beinng human to do whatever they've been wanting to do most. so, these 2 statues come to life and look at each other and laff a bit and say, "shall we?", "yes, let's", and they ran off behind some bushes where there's a lot of rustling. after 15min they come out all hot and flustered and happy and the angel says they've only used half the time, why don't they start all over again. so, the statues giggle a bit and tha man statue says th the girl statue, "ok, let's do it again, only this time i'll hold the effing pidgeon and you sh*t on it".

Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread

angryhippy — 2004-12-08T06:05:24-05:00

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to
die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my
last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is
handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He takes off his Stetson and starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his cowboy shirt ...... one button at a time.

........No one moves.

........He removes his shirt.

........Muscles ripple across his chest.

........She gasps......

........He whispers...........

"Iron this.........then get me a beer."

Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread

David — 2004-12-08T02:40:57-05:00

Is there just me that doesnt get that architect joke, some one told me it ages ago and it boggled me then.

David.

Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread

Victor Hackney — 2004-12-08T02:28:03-05:00

Some great jokes you fellows have got

But my pal said to me.....My wife is a really dirty sod...everytime I go for a p**s in the sink....it's full of dirty plates and pots

Bye the way have you heard this one,,,very subtle .
Did you hear about the Architect...who had his house made backwards...so that he could watch Television???

Regards to all
Vic Uk

Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread

Jiya jani — 2004-12-08T00:35:35-05:00

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although its not free but its worth trying, it is i think .72/day. to start this service you

just have to sms JOY to 23333 and the subscription starts. more details at leapwave.com